When He Refuses To Tell The Truth About And Admit His Cheating

in Truth

I get a lot of emails from frustrated women who want to know how to get a husband or boyfriend to finally admit that he's cheated. I often get comments like: "he's shown all the signs and I know that he has cheated in the past.  We both know it, so why doesn't he admit it already and stop playing this game?;" or "I've even gone so far as to tell him that I would forgive him if he would just tell me the truth, but he just continues to deny it;" or "I have told him that no matter what he says, I'm going to proceed forward as if he cheated anyway, so what does he have to lose by just telling me the truth? I would respect him more if he would just fess up."  I'll address these concerns and answer the questions as best as I can in the following article.

Once The Truth About The Cheating Comes Out, It Means The End Of This Game:  A man cheats for many reasons, which I will discuss more below.  But one of those reasons is that he wants to keep his options open. If he wanted to leave your relationship or was sure that he didn't want to be with you anymore, he would simply break up with or divorce you.  However, obviously something has kept him from doing that. For whatever reason, he isn't yet sure that he can or wants to walk away.

And yet, he's not happy enough or committed enough to remain faithful, for whatever reason.  This shortcoming always lies with him, not you.  Sure, the relationship may have it's flaws.  All do. But, a virtuous person will communicate with or try to work out their issues with their partner rather than straying or cheating.  Always remember this if you even think about feeling guilty or responsible.  This is in no way your fault.  These actions are theirs, not yours.

He isn't ready to admit this because when he does, he has to stop juggling all of the balls in the air.  And no matter what promises you make (or even if you promise that you will forgive him and work this out), he doubts this enough not to take you up on it.  He knows without a doubt that you will be hurt, angry, and demand that his actions stop immediately.  He isn't ready to give up the game.  So he's not going to give you the ammunition to stop it.

He Doesn't Want To Give You A Glimpse Of His Weakness: People assume that men cheat because the sex at home is stale or because they are dishonest or because they have poor impulse control.  All of these things can be true, but they aren't always the case.  Many people will overlook a man's lack of self esteem.  In my experience, this is overwhelmingly the most common reason for infidelity.  For whatever reason, he's feeling insecure or old or vulnerable. And rather than take this up with you or a counselor he goes seeking salvation or solace in the arms of another woman.

He knows that this is shameful and even embarrassing.  He does not want to own up to his actions or his reasons for them because he doesn't want you to know that he felt weak or vulnerable or insecure.  This isn't at all attractive and he knows it.  He's not about to go into all this with you but he knows without a doubt that you're going to want to know, in a very detailed manner, exactly why you're going through this.  He certainly doesn't want to get into this, so it's easier to just deny it.

He's Rather Avoid The Fall Out Because He's Already Justified The Cheating To Himself: Once the truth comes out, every single lie that he's told you is going to be exposed and will need to be explained and dissected.  And every good thing that he's done is going to, at least temporarily, be forgotten and over shadowed by this one act. How many men would willingly want that? Probably not many.  

And, he's already over come any moral dilemmas that he may have had and likely doesn't want to revisit these. He's already decided to put dignity and honor on the shelf so it's likely repetitive and even painful to bring this all up again. In his mind, he's weighed the options and dilemmas and has acted on what felt right or desirable at the time.  Telling the truth now would require a huge step back and would be painful – likely for you both.

Where Are You Left Then?:  I understand that you need and deserve the truth. I was in the same situation and I know how awful it feels to be treated this way.  Ignoring the obvious is disrespectful and belittling.  You deserve better.  But statistically speaking, the odds are against you.  Only a very small percentage or people who have been unfaithful ever admit it.  And most of those were caught red handed (and even some of those unbelievably continue to deny.) Most times, your best option is to decide how much the truth really means to you.  Because getting it often requires some detective work that some just are unable or unwilling to do.

Want to know what detective work I'm talking about? I can tell you because I had to use it myself. After thinking on it for a long time, I decided that I really wanted to know the truth, no matter what that truth was. I learned how to get concrete information and proof that my husband thought that he had hid and erased. Once I presented this to him, he had no choice but to come clean. You can read a very personal story at http://catch-the-cheating.com/

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Seeta Dean has 1 articles online

Seeta's catch cheating website is at http://catch-the-cheating.com/

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When He Refuses To Tell The Truth About And Admit His Cheating

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This article was published on 2010/12/14
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